I found my heart beats differently for you than for anyone else. I get excited to see you and my joy overflows. When you don’t share that enthusiasm, my heart breaks a little. A small crack, a small fracture, with time it will get bigger and harder to hide.
The thing is, I don’t blame you for not sharing my feelings. I knew from the start that I am not the one you want or long for. Yet, I told myself it was okay to feel this way. I wanted to show you love so you could experience it. I wanted to share what it feels like to have someone love you unconditionally. For someone to give to you without expecting anything in return.
The value of giving this way is watching you grow. Seeing you become more than you were. Watching you love others in the way I want to be loved. I hope that someday, I experience it too. That if there is such a thing as receiving what you give out, it will return to me in time. Full circle.
I know what it is like to set someone free whom you love so dearly. I know what it is like to find joy in their successes and happiness. What it feels like to be so proud of someone you would give your heart and life for them if the world spun just a little differently. I don’t regret it for even a moment.
What I never expected was the pain it would cause me. The fractures and sorrow that would come with giving away what you really want. I never thought about the repercussions. They do exist. Perhaps in time, I will learn from them. Perhaps given enough time, they will become works of art upon my heart and soul. Perhaps it will happen in the not too distant future before I fully break away.
Life is not about loving one person. It is about loving many. The one that got away. The one who broke your heart. The one who cheated on you. The one who loved another. The one who died. The one who loved you but you didn’t love back. The one you give birth to. The one you call a friend. The one you call home.
Love is a field full of plants, flowers, bugs, and bushes. It is filled with so much variety that it is impossible to not experience the good and the bad. Filled with jealousy and passion that can burn bright and hot. Too hot and it will burn the beauty out of everything.
It is finding a balance for me. The balance of not loving everything and having nothing left for me. Loving someone who doesn’t love you back is like pouring water into a sieve instead of a bowl. Nothing comes back. You have to have something coming back. When nothing comes back you question not only your intentions but yourself. You wonder if you are unloveable on some degree. That what you thought or perhaps were told was special about you, doesn’t actually exist. Then how you define yourself as a person is called into question by you.
Self-doubt can kill. It will eat away at you a little at a time. All the while what it is feeding off of, you, is helping it to grow. Left unchecked it will grow to a point of being unmanageable. Nothing good will come of it. No, we need to face not only ourselves and our actions. The best of intentions don’t always equate to the best of results. We need to draw a line in the sand of how far we can allow our own actions to take us before they become detrimental to our being. We need to adjust our actions to represent the best of who we are and recognize that sometimes it really is just enough.
It is not that all people are greedy or selfish. It may be we put our love into causes that we know are lost to us. We aren’t the ones who should be making the move. We have to learn, I have to learn, to put myself first. It is okay to take care of my heart before others. It is okay to make sure I am taken care of. Then when I have enough love overflowing, I can give it away unconditionally without expecting anything in return.
You can’t run on empty and expect to love deeply, vastly, unconditionally — you need to refill. You need your joy refilled. You need your love refilled or you will have nothing to give. If you feel you must, if you feel you really want to show someone else, unconditional love, set a time limit on it — to allow yourself to refill.
I saw the stars in your eyes
and they caused me to see nothing else
I was transfixed by your gaze
Your words, your displays
I was adrift and abounding in the love
that I gave
I didn’t realize you never really saw me
you only stared my way
What you gave to me was not for me
but for you and for the world to see
What I gave was hidden and heartfelt
overflowing with everything I felt
This gift I gave I don’t regret
it is yours to keep