Yesterday’s Today And Today Is Tomorrow
Here is the thing I am learning rather quickly. I need to stop freaking out about tomorrow and focus on today. Yesterday I made mistakes and it is easy to focus on those too.
My distractions come in the form of future tripping. How will I pay my bills? What things can I sacrifice not doing to be able to buy food? Gas? Go on a trip? How will I focus my energy when I have all these things floating around my head that I am worried about? How do I stop worrying?
I put a lot of pressure on my shoulders and in my life because I am so busy worrying about tomorrow and criticizing my performance yesterday. I am worried about my bad decisions and how they brought me to the point that I am at.
I am focusing on what will happen tomorrow. Do I need to get another job? What will I say to my parents if I fail at this? How far will I be able to go before I have to humble myself and say I made a mistake I may be on the wrong track?
These are things I shouldn’t be focusing on at all. They take my energy from what I should be doing. Being in the now. Appreciating the moment. Putting myself and my talent out there. Cleaning my house and getting rid of all the things that are weighing me down.
It is a struggle to come to the place where you are living in the moment. Where you are focusing on what you can do right now to make yourself better. Where you are looking at each minute as an opportunity to improve yourself. Then being able to maintain that flow day to day. It is difficult. Trust me. I am on that ride and I can find every reason to be focusing other places than right here right now.
I have all the answers as to “how-to” and “what I should be doing.” I have read articles on procrastination and how to stop doing it. Yet, reading those articles isn’t enough. Until you put action into change, change won’t happen.
I think I get frustrated because I want to make these changes. I want to focus my flow in this direction and have discovered that my immediate support team isn’t being supportive. “How are you going to make this work?” “Well, you can always go back to doing what you were doing before.” “You can do it when you retire, in the future.”
Not only am I fighting my inner self to make a change, but I am also fighting those who say they are helping me look out for me and their disbelief that what I want to do, make a living being creative, writing, nature photography, etc. isn’t a viable option. They say that working the nine to five job that I was unhappy and miserable in; is the better, softer way.
There was a time where I was happy doing that. Going to work every day, putting in my time and energy toward helping to build someone else’s business and dream. Where I was being taken advantage of and asked to do more and more with no reward (financial or even a thank you for going above and beyond.) I was fine with it. I was happy.
Then one day I took a look at my life. My husband had died and one of his last conversations with me was telling me to “learn to say no”. He wanted me to stop being taken advantage of because it was difficult for me to say no.
I was raised to say ‘yes’. I was raised to help out and do the things I was told. I was raised to not make waves and suffered the consequences when I did. I tried to forge my own path, but it seemed easier to just fall in line at times and do what was expected. I wanted the reward of being patted on the head and being told job well done. I wanted acceptance.
These things hindered me in my development. It wasn’t like it is today, where a creative outlet is an acceptable profession. No, creativity was a hobby. Something you do in your spare time. Sure, there are and have been people who did it full time. Just not in my family. Not in my household, where responsibility and making sure everything and everyone is taken care of was the first and most important rule.
Family IS important. I am not saying that they aren’t. I would be there in a heartbeat for my family and have been. It’s not just something I say but I do. Yet, in my own life, I have put everyone first. Learning to put myself first is the most difficult thing I have ever done. Learning that I am good enough. Learning to develop a sense of self-confidence is a challenge.
There are so many opportunities you just have to be willing to reach out and take them. Take one a day. Each day challenge yourself. Each day move forward in the direction you want to go. Don’t wait or worry about what someone will think. Our days are gifts and numbered, whether you want to believe that or not. Look at all the incidents where someone has unexpectedly died and you didn’t even know they were sick. Or something beyond our control happens. There are things that we can’t foresee or do anything about.
Sure I can wait until tomorrow. Sure I can do this on the side. Yet, when I have tried, I get pulled in several directions as someone needs something. I allow myself to be pulled more and more in another direction trying to help someone else and not focusing on myself.
I guess it is time for me to be selfish and focus on me. Perhaps it is time for someone else to do it to. Focus on the journey, where you want to be. Move in that direction just not at the detriment of others. Learn to put yourself first. It doesn’t come easy or quickly. I am still learning.
For today, I will continue to learn to focus on me.